Maybe your wondering where I have been, or maybe not and that is ok too;) Either way, indulge me because I am about to let you know. The past 3 months have been a restless battle for me. Not because of any particular reason, other than life happens and as it goes, I am not always on board with the direction it takes. I have been thinking on my spiritual gifts and hearing about "Holy Discontents", and at the Hoehne house the wind of change is on the front as I close out another school year. With all of that, I have wrestled with a terrible cold and some body aches that just throw a wrench in things, so I have been feeling weak and with that comes the lies! What lies you ask? Here are a few....maybe you can relate.
"You are not relevant.", "See,you aren't good enough, your much to old and don't have much to offer." "Your never enough.", "Oh, your way to much, way over the top." As I type it brings tears to my eyes because,
I know better. Choosing joy has been so difficult. A lot of the time people say things that they intend to be encouraging, but at times they end up being discouraging in spite of their well meaning. (I am sure I have and will be again, one of those people. Sorry ahead of time.)
I have been tossing around some of these things I have heard and pondering it by what I know to be true of God's word.
You maybe to have heard it said, "God 1st, husband 2nd, family 3rd, and "ministry" 4th." You know "God's priority list". I think I too, may have said this at one time until someone challenged me in my thinking. This has been an area I have been struggling with these past few months. You see, I am not so sure that is what scripture teaches exactly. Of course God 1st and there is tons of obvious scripture to back that, so my wrestle isn't necessarily with that part. My struggle begins with "ministry". I am wondering why it always ends up in a separate category. I think that when we are serving our husbands, families, and whomever else, it should be considered ministry, don't you? So many times, I go away feeling like, I just need to get a good hubby/ family balance, then I can go and do ministry. Yiphee, that's what I want to do, but this hubby and family is so needy, uggg, by the time I am done with them, I have nothing left. I am being obnoxious if you didn't quite get that. I don't think that is the intended message, but, I do think it is the underline message being sent. This God I serve does not do things in different boxes. He calls us to "Love one another" and "consider others better than ourselves" so I have to believe that I need to do that in each step I take. I am a bit antsy in this stage of life. 10 years of home schooling and 17 years of being known as a "Domestic Engineer" and living in a culture that overall doesn't put a high priority on the calling. This tends to make you a bit antsy to see what is on the other side. For example....a paycheck:), paid vacation, fancy clothes, and maybe a few pats on the back.
Forgive me Lord! Please don't misunderstand me, I LOVE the calling on my life and to trade it I wouldn't in a million years.
I have been asked, "What is your Holy discontent?". The question is suppose to lead you to a calling to where I could possibly be used by God is a tremendous way. The Lord knows I have quite a few "Holy" discontents, and with that being said, I truly believe He is the one who has placed them there, but for a time such as this I believe He has called me to a place of "Holy" contentment! UGGGG, that certainly doesn't seem like much fun, does it? Lessons are being learned and He is reminding me of who He is in the midst of this world I live in. I am smack dab in the middle of His plan A for me and I will say along with Moses, "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here." Exodus 33:15 He has made himself clear on what I am to be doing right now and that is training up 3 generations of followers, teaching others who have not heard of this gift of grace, and loving people right where they are at. This is a high calling and I am privileged to be called to it. SO LIES.....get lost. I chose today, to move forward. Yes that is right, I'm up Lord and I will follow you to where ever you want to use me today, learning to delight in you as I go.
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong for the Lord upholds his hand." Psalm 37:3-24
"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Learning to Delight,
Connie
