As I read the old newspaper clippings~it seems part of my heart has been frozen in time.
The ache has pasted, but a longing still remains.
For 18 years it has seemed easier to keep my heart froze than to have to deal with the longing and hurt.
Whenever my heart longed to be soft~it was fear that kept it hard.
My hope was not to forget.
It was your laugh that I would miss.
I remember times when I would close my eyes and think real hard to try to hear it.
For awhile I could hear it in my mind.
As time went on and life pick-up, it became harder to hear.
Then the dreams would come.
You were there and I would try to talk with you, but you wouldn't speak, almost as if you couldn't.
I would press you and press you with question after question and then I would awake.
We never ended up roommates, you missed my wedding, and my kids.
Seems with each phase or milestone in life I would wonder what it would be like if you were here.
So my heart would stay froze, to avoid the pain of it.
I have seen suffering and death many times since, and always wonder why I am not effected as others.
Is it my great strength?~Likely not.
My guess now is that this old heart has learned to be numb and froze when it is suppose to be soft and tender.
Many times I would replay what I remember, never really realizing, I have many blank spots.
For the first time, God is giving me the courage to remember, really remember!
What's to become of it all~I don't know, but I know that in order for this old heart to heal it needs to remember.
Will the longing ever be gone?
Likely not, but no longer do I fear.
Lord a tender heart is what I long for.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid....
You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
The ache has pasted, but a longing still remains.
For 18 years it has seemed easier to keep my heart froze than to have to deal with the longing and hurt.
Whenever my heart longed to be soft~it was fear that kept it hard.
My hope was not to forget.
It was your laugh that I would miss.
I remember times when I would close my eyes and think real hard to try to hear it.
For awhile I could hear it in my mind.
As time went on and life pick-up, it became harder to hear.
Then the dreams would come.
You were there and I would try to talk with you, but you wouldn't speak, almost as if you couldn't.
I would press you and press you with question after question and then I would awake.
We never ended up roommates, you missed my wedding, and my kids.
Seems with each phase or milestone in life I would wonder what it would be like if you were here.
So my heart would stay froze, to avoid the pain of it.
I have seen suffering and death many times since, and always wonder why I am not effected as others.
Is it my great strength?~Likely not.
My guess now is that this old heart has learned to be numb and froze when it is suppose to be soft and tender.
Many times I would replay what I remember, never really realizing, I have many blank spots.
For the first time, God is giving me the courage to remember, really remember!
What's to become of it all~I don't know, but I know that in order for this old heart to heal it needs to remember.
Will the longing ever be gone?
Likely not, but no longer do I fear.
Lord a tender heart is what I long for.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid....
You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Psalm 56:3-4;8-9
3 comments:
Connie,
I'd love to know more of this story and the photo of your friend.
I totally identify with what you shared.
If you would pray for me, that would be great. And I will likely do another post, of "my" version of what happened. God is unearthing things that have been long a sleep and I'm just trying to make sense of it all.
Blessings,
Connie
That's just how I remember Stephanie. I always liked her & remember that we laughed alot when she was around.
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