Flowers for Me

This is what I love about being a Mom.

Fresh picked flowers from the garden tied with a ribbon.

Love my new camera and my kids too!

This was the beautiful garden area at the hotel we stayed at in St. Charles, IL. We had a lot of fun together while Troy was busy working. I was so thankful for the time and the smiles they so graciously humored me with. They are so precious to me and an absolute joy to be with.

How I remember it.....

About 18 years ago, I was a working college student. It was a Thursday and I had school most of the day and then I was off to work until about 6ish. After work, the plan was to meet over at my moms home and go for dinner and my cousins graduation ceremony. It was a beautiful day out all day until I was finished with work, then it looked as if a storm was brewing. It was gray and it looked like the sky would open up at any moment the rain would poor down. I remember being dressed in a black and white check suit-like coat with puffy shoulders and a black skirt. Though the storm was coming, it was very warm and I was looking forward to beating the storm home, and cooling off some before we had to leave for the graduation. My job was a floater at a day-care and this was in the days before everyone had a cell phone, so I kept getting phone messages from people. I wondered why they wouldn't wait until I got home to let me know what the "plan" was for later. Little did I know what would all transpire in the next hour.
I drove over to my moms and my step-dad had meet me in the driveway as I approached the house and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine, but really hot. As we got closer to the house he said he had to tell me something, so I stopped and face him. The next thing he said is that my friend Jennie, had killed herself. I replied, "What?" He then told me again and this time it sunk in enough to get me to repeatedly say, "No, no, not Jennie. Why? What happened? Not Jennie, not Jennie! At this point I was hysterical and my mom had opened the door to let me in and heard what I was saying, and she asked, "What? Jennie? She then said, "It wasn't Jennie, it was Stephanie." Now, my mine is trying to process the information and figure out what is going on here. Then I see Troy come from the other room and I'm wondering what he is doing there, because he wasn't suppose to be. Turned out he was in a car accident prior to the news and when he called his parents they told him what had happened, so they brought him over to be there for me. Both my mom and Troy hugged me and from then on things get pretty blurred. It was a whole week until the funeral and I'm not sure what all transpired in between time. I remember hearing this version of what had happened. She had been under the influence and made some phone calls to her ex-boyfriend who was at the bar, then talked with him and then he hung up on her and she called back and talked to his good friend who was with him. Some said that she was threating to take her life on the phone and he didn't do anything. (Whether this is true or not, I don't know, it's just what I remember about what was said) She was in the living space in the basement across from her old bedroom that her sister was asleep in when she did it. Her sister is the one who found her. I think she left a note, but I thought I heard that they didn't know if it was written specific to this time. These are the things that have played over and over in my mind for 18 years. Along with things like.....we had plans, why didn't she call me?, she was getting her GED, she just got a new job, she was going to be getting a car of her own. Oh how I hate it even still today. I remember piling into a friends car to head to the airport to pick-up my friend Jennie. Turns out in my grief I took us to the wrong airport! Dah! We did pick her up but I don't remember much about the ride, besides staring out the window and the tears rolling down my cheeks every so many miles. Next thing I remember, is it was time for the funeral. I wore a black velvet dress, with some white lace on the neck line and puffy sleeves of course. I can't remember if their was a Friday evening showing, or if everything happened on Saturday morning. All I remember is Saturday, we went to the funeral home and looking at a silverish, shiny blue, casket with a picture of my best friend sitting on top. I was numb with sadness and remember sitting in the middle of the room surrounded by friends. I was holding a yellow rose that I was given and instructed to, at the appropriate time, walk by the casket and put it in a green vase. I wonder if I talked to anyone? Her aunt sang along with a tape, the song "Friends". And then it was over, but not really. Not for me. I still wrestle and it's been 18 years.